Finding the Truth, Part 1

Hi! I just wanted to let you know that this is a piece I am writing for school so I will do all the grammar stuff later, but right know I need feedback on my work, like what you liked what you didn't things that could improve it and if it works in the point of view its in know, Thanks! :D

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It was literally a race against the clock for me, only I didn't know it yet. My name is Chris Hale, I am fourteen and this is my story, for now.

I woke up on Christmas Eve with a feeling of excitement, tomorrow my father would be coming home from Rome.

But as I walked down the stairs something was amiss. My feeling of excitement imedately vanished and was replaced by terror as I heard my mothers cry from the living room. I wanted to run to her but something, I don't know exactly what held me back.

Instead of going in the living room I stood by the door concealing myself so I could see whomever was in the living room but they couldn't see me.

"Mrs. Swan I am sorry to inform you that the plane your husband was on never left the air strip. It appears that right as the plane took off from here, to return to Rome had a gas leak was sprung, the successfully made it but however the plane coming back here, never took off. The gas leak caused on explosion and no one on the plane survived.(Another cry escaped my mothers lips.) But before your husband left Rome your husband invested in a small company RAMED, and don't ask me what that stands for, I don't even think that they know. Anyways they wanted me to give you their number and anything you or your son need call them." said the man dressed in a very official uniform except for a very distinctive color orange.

I took note that he handed her the card and she put it in her pocket.

My mothers sobs continued as I went back to my room. I wondered when my mother would tell me the news. Would she tell me today or after the holidays, I would never know.

I jumped back into my bed as quietly as I could because my mother had knocked on the door.

"Chris! Open up!! Its past 12!" my mother said pounding on the door.

I hadn't realized this.

"Chris! If you don't open up the door this minute I am coming in anyway!" shouted my mother as she pushed open the door.

I groaned and rolled over as If I had just woken up.

I had to do this more than once before. I'd call myself an okay actor and I could lie to anyone and make them believe me both were going to key factors in what I would do very soon.

"Hey Mom, Good-morning..." I sleepily said

"Hey sweetie, ummm bad news...."

My mom started to tell me the news, I braced myself for the news I already knew. My mom stiffened, took a deep breath and said

" Your dad........ isn't coming home tomorrow he won't be home till after Christmas alright?"

I was stunned my mother had just lied to my face.

"Oh Okay.... Mom can I go back to bed know?" I asked.

As soon as she left the room I noticed that the card with RAMED's phone number on it was on my bed. I didn't call after to her, instead i kept the card and began to pack. I was going to Rome.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Pickle810
Review

Some of those details are interesting, and good.
I'd like it if you could add a little more backround, a little less dialogue, although the dialogue set a great tone. Maybe you could, in the next part, add backround. This would make a great first chapter for a book, you know, really pulling in. I feel like there's a mystery to be found!

User avatar
Loose
Review
Loose wrote a review · Sun Feb 17, 2008 2:52 am

Leaving the grammar stuff aside, as you wanted, I'll simply state what bugged me.

I know this is part one, but there is still room for background.

You leave us with little to no description of the setting, the parents, and the MC's emotions are barely touched on. You rely on dialogue, which makes this piece seem skimpy and rushed, which causes the reader to lose interest.

There, my comment.

Perhaps in one of the early paragraphs, spend more time describing where you are, and why you are so excited for your dad coming home. Simply "he's coming home from Rome" does not suffice.

Hope that helped.



I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage